The two keys of a successful celebrity roast are:
1. Relentlessly brutal
2. Cruel, but funny
So, Justin Bieber’s roast on Comedy Central Monday was both those things, and oh, so much more awfulness. Emcee Jeff Ross started off with “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before YOU did?” BIG FAT WARNING: this roast is unbelievably filthy and offensive in every possible way.
Martha Stewart was even more terrifying – she jeered “I’ve been on the inside, and Justin, you couldn’t handle it. First thing you need is a shank. I made mine from a nice pintail brush and a package of gum.”
Poor Justin spent the entire night cringeing helplessly during every speech. He rallied at the end to humbly ask forgiveness for his mistakes, especially for The One He’d Hurt The Most: the monkey.